I hope you all know by now that when I write and share this content, I am speaking more to myself than anyone else. But I do think from time to time, you might be interested in how I am trying to improve and grow.
So, if what I share resonates with you, join me and walk along this trail of life. My co-conspirators and I could use the company!
Giving Credit Where Credit is Due - The Origin Story for This Post
From time to time, a trusted and wise friend of mine and I meet face-to-face or online. We thoroughly enjoy our time together and do our best to focus on one subject for each session. Although the topics vary, our conversations focus on how we can find peace and joy by relying on the doctrine and principles of the healing power of Christ’s infinite Atonement as we navigate this mortality.
What follows is the summary of our most recent conversation.
Though lengthy, I hope you find our joint mental meandering beneficial!
The Fundamental Difference Between Shame vs. Guilt
Have you ever felt that crushing weight in your chest when someone criticizes you? That feeling that you're not just wrong, but that there's something fundamentally flawed about who you are? That's shame talking, and it's time we had a heart-to-heart about it.
Satan's Tool vs. God's Gift
Let me be clear about something powerful: Shame is from Satan. Guilt is a gift from God.
This isn't just theological wordplay. The distinction fundamentally changes how we view ourselves and others:
Shame makes you feel bad about yourself. It whispers, "If people knew this about you, they would reject you."
Guilt makes you feel bad about what you did. It prompts, "That behavior doesn't align with my values. I can do better."
Before understanding this difference, many of us lived in confusion, believing that feeling terrible about ourselves was somehow spiritually productive. We carried this invisible backpack of shame, growing heavier with each perceived failure, each criticism, each "you" statement hurled our way.
What if the weight you've been carrying isn't yours to bear?
Cultural Shame Patterns
Shame doesn't exist in isolation—it thrives in cultural ecosystems designed to perpetuate it.
Some cultures and certain aspects of religious traditions often foster shame as well. My own country of origin bloodline heritage is admittedly very fluent in shame!
But what does this cultural shame look like in practice?
Family conversations laced with subtle put-downs
Religious teachings that emphasize unworthiness over growth
Social dynamics where acceptance is conditional
The modern phenomenon of "cancel culture"—both publicly and within families
Think about it: How many families do you know where disapproval is the primary currency of communication? Where "I'm disappointed in you" carries more weight than "I don't agree with what you did"?
The Language of Shame
The Tongue of Shame
Shame has its own dialect, spoken fluently in many homes. Listen for it:
"You never think before you act." "Why can't you be more like your sister?" "You're too sensitive." "What's wrong with you?"
Notice the common thread? These are "you" statements that attack identity rather than behavior.
Even seemingly benign parenting techniques can speak this language. Take the common practice of "time out." What message does it really send?
"Because of what you did, you're no longer worthy to be in my presence, so you need to leave."
Contrast this with "time in.”
Being 100% vested in the emotional “here and now” makes a huge difference!
"You're struggling to boss your body. Come be next to me so I can help you."
Shame pushes away. Offering compassion draws closer.
Shame speaks uselessness. Offering acceptance speaks confidence.
The Ears of Shame
Here's where it gets even more interesting and where personal progress might begin.
Some people speak without the tongue of shame but hear everything through the ears of shame. Think of the missionary who receives ten minutes of praise and thirty seconds of constructive feedback, yet walks away feeling only criticized.
These ears of shame aren't necessarily created by cruel parents, leaders, or deliberate shaming. They're often self-imposed filters, developed over years of internalizing subtle messages about our worth.
Before the "aha" moment, you might not even realize you're wearing these filters.
I know people—good-hearted, well-intentioned people—who hear shame in neutral statements, who interpret suggestions as condemnations, who receive gift-wrapped feedback and unwrap it to find only criticism.
Is that you? Are you hearing through shame-filtered ears?
Or, have you learned the disciplined skill of filtering shame out of your thinking process, even when shame was intended?
Breaking Addiction Through Connection
The Shame-Addiction Cycle
One of the most devastating impacts of shame is its role in addiction. My friend explains this cycle perfectly:
Shame becomes overwhelming.
The person seeks escape through addictive behavior (pornography, alcohol, etc.)
The chemicals released provide temporary relief from shame.
When the behavior stops, shame returns, but it is now nourished and even stronger.
The cycle repeats, with increasing intensity.
For example, consider the shame cycle above and how it underlies and perpetuates the use of pornography.
This isn't just about traditional addictions. Many of us develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to escape the unbearable feeling of shame:
Perfectionism (if I'm perfect, I can't be shamed).
People-pleasing (if everyone likes me, I must be okay).
Isolation (if no one knows me, no one can shame me).
Achievement (if I succeed enough, I'll outrun my shame).
Do you have an escape mechanism? If so, what's the behavior you turn to when shame becomes too heavy to carry?
The Healing Power of Connection
The opposite of addiction is connection.
This profound statement cuts to the heart of healing from shame. When we're genuinely connected—when we're known and accepted despite our flaws—shame loses its power.
Think about the success of AA-type groups. Why do they work when willpower alone often fails? Because they create environments where:
People can be authentically vulnerable.
Judgment is prohibited; no crosstalk is allowed.
Shared experiences create understanding.
Acceptance is unconditional.
For a person struggling with pornography, their self-speak may sound something like this, "I can't go tell everybody that I'm a porn addict. "They'd look at me like I'm a pervert."
However, in a safe and connected environment, that shame loses its grip. The person can speak their truth, be accepted as they are, and find the strength to move forward.
Building Shame-Free Families
Time In vs. Time Out
The transition from shame to connection often begins at home. If we want to raise children who are resilient to shame, we need to rethink how we respond to misbehavior.
Consider potty training, a universal parenting challenge.
The shame approach:
"Gee, Johnny, yesterday you did really good. And today you peed your pants three times. What's up with that? Why don't you go to your room and think about it while you change your underwear?"
The connection approach:
"Hey Johnny, accidents happen. Let's get you cleaned up. Your body is still learning, and that's okay. I love you and I'm right here to help you."
Do you see how one person pushes away, while the other draws closer?
The key principle: Draw loved ones closer during struggles, do not push them away.
This doesn't mean abandoning boundaries or consequences. It means ensuring that the child or loved one understands that their behavior may need correction, but their essence, who they are, is never rejected.
Intentional Parenting
Empty spaces get filled with something. That's just how life works.
If parents don't actively fill their children's understanding about their bodies, their emotions, their spirituality, and their worth, those spaces will be filled by other voices. And those voices often speak the language of shame.
"Intentional parents" do not leave space for those voices to come in.
What does this look like in practice?
Having age-appropriate conversations about body development.
Praising who they are, not just what they do.
Creating safe spaces where questions are welcomed.
Being actively engaged in all aspects of their development.
Think about it: If a young boy or girl experiencing puberty has no framework for understanding those sometimes odd, uncomfortable, or even embarrassing events, shame rushes into that void.
But what if instead, the youngster heard something like: "What you are experiencing is totally normal! That means your body works exactly as our Father in Heaven intended! How cool is that?"
Same biological reality. Completely different message and connection.
The Divine Connection
Perfect Relationships in an Imperfect World
At the heart of this entire conversation is a profound spiritual truth: While human relationships will always be imperfect, we have access to three perfect relationships: our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.
These divine connections model perfect acceptance, even as they encourage growth. They offer guilt (motivation to improve) without shame (condemnation of self).
We often expect all of our encounters within the Church to be loving and to support healthy personal self-esteem.
If any church were to be a perfect church, it would be because it's full of perfect people!
But right now, all churches striving to enact the ”Doctrine of Christ” are not perfect!
If there were a perfect church, you would know that it's not the Church of Christ but the Church of Satan.
Satan’s plan was one of forced compliance, whereas Christ is, after all, the “Master Healer” of the spiritually ill in whatever form that may take.
What a paradigm shift! Connection, not perfection, is the goal.
Consider Christ himself. The Pharisees, Saducees, and other adversaries, including Lucifer, spoke shame to Christ all the time. And yet he didn't have the “ears of shame” to hear it.
The ultimate model of shame resilience is the Savior who knew exactly who He was and refused to internalize the shame others tried to place on Him.
(You might find this recent post of interest: Can Satan Whisper Thoughts Into Your Mind?)
From Shame to Connection
Every story about growth and change has key elements. Here's what yours might look like:
The Wall: Recognizing Shame's Grip
For many, the excursion begins when shame's weight becomes unbearable. Maybe you:
Find yourself in cycles of addiction you can't break.
Notice your relationships growing increasingly distant.
Feel constantly unworthy despite your best efforts.
Realize you're passing shame patterns to your children.
The work of eliminating shame may cause feelings like exhaustion, hopelessness, or the sickening realization that your coping mechanisms may be creating more problems than they're solving.
The Awakening: Separating Identity From Behavior
The critical shift happens when you realize:
You are not your mistakes.
Feeling bad about an action is healthy; feeling bad about yourself is not healthy.
Shame is not a spiritual gift; it's a spiritual counterfeit.
This awakening might come through therapy, spiritual insight, or simply a moment of clarity when you realize the truth: "I don't have to live this way anymore."
The Plan: Building Connection
Positive change requires action. Consider these steps:
Step 1: Identify your shame triggers and filters.
What situations reliably produce shame for you?
What phrases or circumstances trigger shame responses?
Step 2: Create a connection with safe people.
Who accepts you unconditionally?
With whom can you be authentically vulnerable?
Step 3: Practice speaking without the tongue of shame.
Replace "you are" statements with "that behavior is" statements.
Focus on actions rather than identity.
Step 4: Strengthen divine connections.
Develop your relationship with Heavenly Father through prayer.
Study Christ's interactions with those society shamed,
Listen for the Holy Ghost's affirming voice.
From a "Should" to a "MUST" mindset.
At some point, the motivation to transform from shame to connection reaches a tipping point. What begins as "I should work on this" becomes "I must live differently."
Your self-speak might be:
"I am worthy of connection."
"I refuse to speak or hear shame."
"My worth is inherent, not earned."
"I choose love over shame."
A New Identity
As connection replaces shame, everything changes:
You begin praising your children for who they are, not just what they do.
You naturally draw closer to people during struggles.
You recognize shame's language and choose not to speak it.
You hear criticism without filtering it through shame.
You build genuine connections based on authenticity rather than performance.
The old belief, "I am only worthy if..."
Is replaced by the new truth: "I am worthy because I exist."
Final Thoughts
Shame thrives in isolation.
It grows in the dark corners where we hide our true selves, fearing rejection.
But shame loses its cold, iron grip when we step into the light of genuine connection, with others, ourselves, and God.
Your transition from a paradigm of shame to connection isn't just about feeling better.
It's about creating families, communities, and a world where people are drawn closer during struggles, not pushed away.
Where mistakes are addressed without condemning identity. Where growth happens through faith and love, not fear.
A daily affirmation for this transformation,
It is not, "Be perfect!"
But, "Be connected!"
Let’s Ditch the Shame!
What steps will you take today to break the chains of shame and build genuine connections in your life?
There is a lot to digest here!
I hope you enjoyed being a “fly on the wall” and authorized eavesdropping on the conversation between my friend and me!
Thanks for reading and thinking for yourself!
Russell Anderson
***
P.S. I appreciate and respect the time you've taken to read my work. I strive to provide distilled country wisdom that generates a worthwhile return on your time investment.
You Might Also Like…
I am pleased to be an Ally in The Fifty-two Seven Alliance of Creators. It’s free to join, and I invite you to take a look!
FAQs about The Fifty-two Seven Alliance.
Review the Fifty-two Seven Community Charter.