Ditch the Mom Guilt: Your Chaos Is Your Crown
Seven ways to maintain your self-esteem and sanity amidst your beautifully chaotic lives
“The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
Have you ever heard that expression?
Though the world around us constantly changes, the underlying principles of life remain the same. Some call those principles “Conventional Wisdom.” I call them “Distilled Country Wisdom.”
Distilled because the content is extracted from the personal experiences of prior generations.
Country because the content and solutions are based on solid country values.
Wisdom because the content is the product of lessons learned and is available for you to use as you choose.
Simply put, distilled country wisdom is defined as “things that work.”
In an earlier post, I shared the backstory and challenges of the days my wife and I were starting a family and raising young children.
In that post, on behalf of my wife and myself, I quickly conceded:
“Parenting kids was tough back in our day. Nevertheless, we are always quick to acknowledge that raising a family in today’s environment is hands-down more challenging. Navigating the merging of the human experience with today’s modern electronics and artificial intelligence while coping with continual noise and commotion in the modern world is staggering.”
There are modern stresses that did not require our attention, such as today’s abundant technology and cultural shifts. Nonetheless, there are some coping mechanisms from our past that you can tweak a little to work for you today, too.
So today, with your permission, I'm sharing seven points of Distilled Country Wisdom I've gained from watching my wife persevere through those challenging years of bearing and raising little humans.
Most of these things are common sense and familiar. But the idea is to validate what you already know and provide a nudge to permit yourself to take guilt-free action. I hope you find some of these to be “things that work” for you. I bet you will also think of a few more of your own!
1. Embrace the Joy and Humor of Imperfection
Expecting perfection in this mortal life is overrated, boring, and probably a lie.
Moms often set impossibly high standards only to feel like they are failing at every turn.
But guess what? You can’t control every aspect of your life.
Like that time when you finally got everyone ready for church, only to have your little one bust out a magnificent explosive diaper blowout right before leaving?
Or when your two little princesses were all dressed up on Mother’s Day and refused to let you take their cutest little picture ever in front of the flowering lemon tree?
Life isn't a Pinterest board, and embracing the hubbub is healthy. Celebrate those mismatched socks, the toys strewn across the living room, and the occasional necessity of breakfast or even cereal for dinner. Imperfection makes us human, and it's where the magic truly happens.
Life’s unscripted moments are the good stuff. They're the stories we'll tell later that make us laugh, cry, and feel incredibly human.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Prioritize Self-Care
I think the nature of women and moms tend to put everyone else's needs before their own. But here's the real deal: self-care isn't selfish; it's essential.
Carve out time for yourself doing something you enjoy.
Don’t feel guilty about needing time alone. Kids deserve a parent who is running on full, not empty. Maybe this means enjoying a hot shower without tiny hands banging on the door. Or, when was the last time your dinner was eaten while it was still hot and fresh? You're not being selfish – you're being smart.
I’m not talking about filling up when you get close to or even hit empty. I'm talking about making it a daily priority to allocate the time necessary to keep the essence of all that makes you who you are as close to the full mark as possible.
It’s like this.
I keep a trickle charger connected to the battery on our ATV in between uses to be confident the motor will start when I want it to. All the things you can do for your continuing self-care are like that trickle charger. By keeping your battery fully charged, you will be ready to transfer your energy to your loved ones when they need it most.
3. Find Your People – The Real Ones
Church groups, community clubs, and neighborhood associations can all be great. Unfortunately, there will always be those who are judgmental, hoping to make themselves feel better about whatever is happening in their lives.
The brazen truth is you don't have time for negative energy or judgmental associations.
Surround yourself with a supportive tribe of like-minded moms who lift you instead of tearing you down. Seek out those who sincerely appreciate and respect the miracles you perform daily and who are there to share the load and cheer you on with empathy and no judgment.
You know those friends who show up at your door with a smile and treat when you're having an epic rough day? The ones who don't judge you on the fact that breakfast dishes are still out at dinner time? Or will laugh with you when your three-year-old throws an epic temper tantrum because you cut his sandwich into triangles instead of squares and didn’t remove the crust.
Those are your people. Keep them close. Reciprocate and build each other up. Share the load. These are true friends who will cherish your shared, real, unfiltered stories of parenthood for a lifetime.
4. Keep Social Media Posts in Perspective
Social media is a breeding ground for self-doubt, especially when bombarded with perfectly staged family photos and #myperfectlife captions.
Behind every picture-perfect moment, the reality all of us know in our lives never makes it onto the screen.
There are no perfect families. Behind every pristine social media photo is probably a bribe, a meltdown, or both. Like that Mother’s Day photo in front of the blossoming lemon tree, I wrote about earlier. My wife was finally able to snap the picture, but not before some serious coinage was offered as a bribe. By the way, the photo did turn out well, and the girls were adorable! Today, we all smile and relive the backstory whenever we turn to that page in the photo album.
So, the next time you find yourself scrolling through one of the many social media platforms, remind yourself that you're seeing someone's highlight reel, not their behind-the-scenes struggles.
The real treasure is an amazing story unfolding right before your eyes on the stage of your sometimes messy but beautiful life.
5. A Win is a Win
Celebrate your wins, big and small. Did you manage to get everyone dressed and fed this morning? WIN!
Did you survive a temper tantrum without losing your cool? DOUBLE WIN!
All victories are significant and worth celebrating. It’s like radiation in small doses but in a positive way. You may not notice it at first, but after a while, it adds up.
Did you:
Keep tiny humans alive today? CHECK!
Show them love? CHECK!
Do your best? CHECK!
Victory dance!
Celebrate these victories, no matter how small they may seem. Take note of even the smallest wins and give yourself credit where credit is due.
What does your little victory dance look like?
6. Be Kind to Yourself
Do you know the song “Humble and Kind” by Tim McGraw?
I am not too worried about you remaining humble. Cleaning up all the yuck that comes out of little humans and all the stuff they can get into will keep anybody humble. Poopie diapers, chunky vomit, gum in hair, nasty rashes, runny noses, etc. The list goes on, doesn’t it? And not to mention what your family pets will sometimes add to the nasty bio-mix!
A quick side note: many dads are good at pitching in to clean up kid messes and help around the house these days. Still, mom is usually the first responder to provide domestic assistance when needed.
I want to focus on the other half of Tim McGraw's song title, the being kind part.
In this sense, I am not referring to being kind to others but to yourself.
Grant the same kindness and compassion you show your loved ones and best friends. It is perfectly okay not to be perfect. Be realistic. You are striving to do the best you can, and that's more than enough.
I know from personal experience how hard I can be on myself at times. That’s not fair! Positive self-talk is a good habit for anyone!
How would you talk to your best friend who is having a rough day? Would you tell them they're failing because the house is messy? Or would you remind them they're doing an amazing job at the hardest and most important work there is?
On the other hand, how would you talk to yourself if 1:30 PM rolled around and you realized you forgot to send the school lunch you had packed for your nine-year-old son and knew he didn’t have enough cash in his pocket for lunch money?
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it!
Pay Close Attention to Your BBR!
BBR is your “Belly Button Reaction.”
I relied on my BBR a lot during my banking career.
The loan presentation package received from a loan applicant appears to be perfect. There is no logical reason not to make the loan. But then, something would not feel quite right in the pit of my stomach, right behind my belly button.
That gnawing feeling that something is off is your BBR. It can also work the other way too: that everything is fine! In that case, the feeling is more of a happy tickle.
Do you know what? My BBR was right almost all the time. Relying on your BBR was widespread among bankers and other business professionals “back in the day” when we were more than order takers check-marking boxes and filling in blanks on a form so artificial intelligence could make the decision to approve or deny the loan.
The belly button reaction can also be referred to as your gut instinct, pure intuition, or the Holy Ghost.
Most people who trust in a higher power will recognize human intuition as the Holy Ghost or the Light of Christ. I am in that camp.
There is so much content, noise, commotion, and confusion in today’s world it is easy to get distracted. That’s why it is worth paying attention to regardless of what you call the sense.
By listening intently, you will discern the truth about everything regarding your kids and loved ones, what they need, and how to provide it. You will also learn about yourself, how to care for yourself, and how to complete this great work you are engaged in with honors.
Learning to rely on your BBR is a top parental skill that will pay dividends.
Parting Thoughts
Maintaining your self-esteem and that of your loved ones amid your beautifully chaotic life is no small feat.
But remember, the bottom line about parenting isn't about being perfect – it's about being present.
You are engaged in sacred work that shapes lives and builds futures. It's messy, magical, and sometimes maddening, but you're not alone.
And you're doing better than you think.
The fact that you care enough to worry about doing it right means you're already doing something right.
I hope this post was helpful!
Thanks for reading and pondering with me!
Russell Anderson
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P.S. I appreciate and respect your investment of precious time in reading my work! I strive to provide thought-worthy content that generates a worthwhile return on your time investment.
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