The Undeniable Symmetry Between Repentance and Forgiveness

Seeking Progress, Not Perfection

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We often walk through life blissfully unaware of the injuries we cause or the wounds we carry. At the same time, we may have that nagging feeling that a special relationship, once happy, now feels strained or wonder why restful sleep is elusive.

Then comes that stunning moment when we suddenly see with painful clarity:

I have hurt someone deeply.

or

What happened to me wasn't right.

Awakening From the Dream

Before this awakening, life has a peculiar, dreamlike quality. For the person who has harmed another, there's often a gnawing discomfort they can't quite place.

Maybe they snap at loved ones without understanding why or avoid certain people or conversations. They might tell themselves, "It wasn't that bad," or "They're just too sensitive."

But deep down, something feels off-balance.

For the person who's been harmed, life before recognition can feel like carrying an invisible weight. They might struggle with inexplicable anxiety, difficulty trusting others, or a persistent sense of shame they can't explain. "Why can't I just get over it?" becomes a familiar refrain.

Do you recognize yourself in either description? Most of us have been on both sides at different times.

Some time ago, a wise friend shared valuable insight into a healing framework that illuminates the interesting symmetry between repentance and forgiveness.

I would now like to pass along that distilled country wisdom to you!

Two Paths to Healing

When we finally face the truth that we have either offended or been offended, two parallel journeys unfold—different paths that lead to the same destination of peace.

For the person who has done wrong, the path of repentance is familiar to most of us and consists of five principles:

1. Recognize you've done something wrong.

2. Feel genuine sorrow for what you've done.

3. Acknowledge your mistake by confessing to those affected and to God.

4. Seek to make restitution for the harm caused.

5. Forsake the Behavior and endure to the end by continuing to change.

For the person who has been wronged, a mirror image and parallel framework for emotional healing emerges:

1. Recognize that you have been wronged.

2. Feel the emotions associated with the hurt.

3. Acknowledge those feelings by expressing them to someone you trust.

4. Offer forgiveness, even when it's difficult.

5. Endure to the end without becoming trapped in victimhood.

But here's the rub—these aren't rigid, sequential steps. They're principles that often send us circling back to prior steps, deepening our understanding along the way. More on that later…

The Core Struggle

At heart, both journeys grapple with fundamental human needs: the need to belong, to feel worthy of love, to have security, to maintain our identity, and to find meaning in our suffering.

The core struggle for the offender often centers around the fear of rejection: "If people knew who I really am or what I've done, they would abandon me." This fear drives denial, minimization, and resistance to taking full responsibility.

For the offended, the struggle frequently revolves around safety and trust. "If I acknowledge how deeply I've been hurt, I might fall apart completely." Or "If I trust again, won't I just be hurt again?" This fear can manifest as emotional numbness, isolation, or an inability to set healthy boundaries.

Both are ultimately wrestling with the same question: Can I be whole again?

Breaking Through the Wall

Most of us don't change until the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change. For the offender, this wall might appear as:

• A relationship in crisis: "She's going to leave if I don't change."

• The unbearable weight of guilt: "I can't live with myself anymore."

• The stark realization of harm: "I've become the very thing I feared."

For the offended, the wall often looks like:

• Emotional exhaustion: "I can't carry this anger anymore."

• Repeating patterns: "I keep finding myself in the same situation."

• A life half-lived: "My past is stealing my present."

When we hit this wall, we can experience a desperate hopelessness—and paradoxically, this is when breakthrough becomes possible. The moment when "I should change" transforms into "I must change" marks the point of no return. It's when we finally cry out, "Whatever it takes, I cannot continue this way."

The Circular Nature of Healing

When we think we're on step three, that very acknowledgment might reveal we didn't fully understand the extent of what we did wrong, sending us back to step one with greater awareness. As we seek restitution, we may discover deeper layers of the pain we caused, returning us to feeling genuine sorrow.

This isn't failure. It's growth.

The same happens for those who've been hurt. As you try to forgive, you might realize you haven't fully acknowledged your feelings.

These cycles aren't setbacks—they're the spiral staircase of healing, taking you higher with each turn.

Beyond Shame and Pride

Two powerful forces often block our progress: shame and pride.

For the offender, shame whispers, "You're irredeemably bad," while pride counters, "But I'm still a good person!"

The truth lives in holding both perspectives simultaneously—you can be a good person who made a mistake.

This fundamental principle opens the door to change.

For the offended, shame can be equally paralyzing. Many victims of harm internalize shame that isn't theirs to carry. They feel dirty or damaged when they've done nothing wrong.

Healing isn't about punishment—it's about transformation.

Creating Meaningful Change

What does real restitution look like? Let me pass along a remarkable story that was shared with me.

In a healing group for sexual abuse survivors, one woman shared that her brother—her abuser—had called her years later to acknowledge what he had done. Not only did he apologize, but he also encouraged her to seek help, admitting he was getting help himself.

Later, when the all-female group held a support person week, she asked if she could bring her brother. Despite the hours-long drive and the knowledge that everyone in the session would know what he had done, he came. He was respectful, emotionally present, and supportive—not wallowing in shame, but committed to walking with his sister through the pain he had caused.

This is what restitution looks like when it's genuine.

It's not just saying "I'm sorry" once and moving on. It's ongoing support that creates meaning through consistent action.

Affirmation and Commitment

When transformation becomes non-negotiable, we need an affirming rallying cry—something that anchors us when the journey gets difficult. It might sound like:

For the offender: "I will face the truth of what I've done, no matter how painful, because healing can't begin with a lie."

For the offended: "I will not allow what happened to me to determine who I become."

These affirmations mark the transition from wishful thinking to unshakable commitment. They represent the moment when healing becomes more important than comfort.

The Daily Journey

The golden ring at the end isn't a one-time achievement—it's walking these steps daily.

Our mortal human condition means that every day we inflict small harms, and every day small harms are done to us.

The discipline of regularly practicing the dynamic principles of repentance and forgiveness transforms the steps from occasional emergency measures into a way of life.

When your spouse points out something you did wrong, it's not just an opportunity for a mean-spirited “Gotcha” retribution. It's a chance to become more like your Heavenly Father.

Similarly, when someone hurts you, taking inventory of your feelings and offering forgiveness isn't just for them—it's for your healing.

I was told once, “Refusing to forgive is like taking small doses of poison every day and hoping the other person dies.”

Principles Take Time to Create Meaning

Here's a truth many miss: Doing the right thing once doesn't undo years of doing the wrong thing. A husband who yells for seven years can't expect one week of not yelling to transform his marriage. The solution may be simple—stop yelling—but it must be done long enough to create meaning.

When you consistently check in with someone you've hurt, even weeks later, saying, "I'm still working on my temper because of that argument we had," you demonstrate that your commitment to change is real. This consistency creates safety for the other person to open up and begin their healing journey.

Simple changes, done consistently over time, create profound meaning.

The Transformation of Identity

Perhaps the most consequential outcome of these parallel journeys is how they reshape our very sense of self.

For the offender, the old belief "I am my mistakes" gives way to "I am someone capable of growth and repair." The identity of "perpetrator" dissolves into "redeemed."

For the offended, "I am damaged" transforms into "I am resilient." The identity of "victim" evolves into "overcomer."

In both cases, there's a profound shift from being defined by a single event or pattern to recognizing the fullness of who we are and who we can become.

A New World Within and Without

When we sincerely engage with these principles, our internal landscape changes. The constant background noise of guilt or resentment quiets. We develop a newfound capacity for intimacy and vulnerability. Trust—in ourselves, in others, and in God—becomes possible again.

And as we change, our external world transforms too. Relationships heal or end cleanly. New connections form based on authenticity rather than performance or protection. We gain the ability to be genuinely present with others, no longer haunted by the past or anxious about the future.

Consider This

How might your relationships transform if both parties embraced these parallel paths? What healing could occur if we recognized that both the offender and the offended are on journeys toward the same destination—wholeness through the atonement of Jesus Christ?

Thanks for reading and thinking for yourself!

Russell Anderson

***

P.S. I appreciate and respect your investment of precious time in reading my work! I strive to provide thought-worthy distilled country wisdom that generates a worthwhile return on your time investment.

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